whimsical.

Dear intruder of my inner thoughts,

After a year of self-pampering this broken hearted me, I confess, nothing really has changed. You still inhabit both my dreams and my nightmares. Thoughts of you remain unaltered deep within my core. Memories of you cross my mind most seconds of most hours of most days. You still matter, not only to me, but to this hurting heart of mine.

Everytime I return to the past, my psyche devastatingly retracts how every single secret was entangled, how hard I fought off all those melancholic moments, how my time was splurged paying attention to my heart shattering to pieces, how I naively drenched myself into self pity.

I patiently convince myself that I can get numb with the pain by indulging myself to drudgery. But it doesn’t work. Every tiny fragment of what used to be bears so much to be forgotten. Worse, I even tend to keep the delusion that you are never gone, that you will find your way back home, that I, somehow, still matter to you.

I want to hate you to cover up all the pain you’ve inflicted in me. I mangle my mind to remember all your flaws but I end up loathing myself even more for I still manage to love you, for at the end of every day I nonetheless find myself so passionately, foolishly in love with you.

I turn out to be a hostage of my own horrible emotions, a victim of inscrutable misery. Yet consider me a criminal... because loving you is a crime I am guilty of.

Believe me, I do not anymore wish to meet you on crossroads in the future, to have you in my life once again or to even hear a thing from you – not anymore. I cannot withstand a man like you any longer. I cannot bear another amalgamation of heartbreak, regret, sorrow and pain into my system. I no longer have enough vigour to shed a river of tears for you, to turn another bunch of nights to a sleepless one, to drift myself into nothingness. I surrender...right this exact moment. (July 31, 2011)

The idea that you’re having a happier life ahead of you without me is murdering my soul. Time will come, you’ll get acquainted with people far, far better than me and eventually, you’ll realize that I am not worthy of your time anymore. Don’t worry. I’m working out to finally, completely accept that you are long gone now and that you’re gonna come back for me no more.

On the road to recovery,

Michelle